My Mom died of cancer when I was three years old. My Dad killed himself when I was ten. He looked at me, told me that I made him do it then pulled out a gun and put it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. What I remember the most is the explosion of blood and brain matter that went out of the back of his head and splattered against the wall. Then his body slumping over and almost falling on me. Blood came out of his mouth but then just stopped flowing. I called 911 and it wasn't' until the cop came to the door that I totally lost it. Dad had told me that Mom chose not to get chemo so that I could be born and so he blamed me saying I murdered my mom. But he had other problems and he couldn't deal with it and so he decided to shoot himself dead in front of me to punish me for being a horrible child.
I had no family that I knew of other than my Dad. I had no siblings. My Dad was an only child. My mom had a sister but she died as a teen though I don't know what killed her. None of my grandparents were alive. I was taken to a youth shelter but forced to leave most of my belongings at home. As far as I know there was no funeral. I certainly didn't go to one and nobody told me anything about one. I was taken that night to the youth shelter which is where they also brought little criminals. It was a big building, like a school. They had kids there all ages from about four years old to twelve. They had both boys and girls. There were four dorms, two for boys and two for girls with one each for older kids 9-12 and one each for younger kids 4-8. The dorm I was taken to had about 150 beds, all steel beds with thin mattresses. Each had a plastic pillow without a pillow case, a bottom sheet and a course wool blanket. There was a steel box with a lid and loops for a padlock. I was allowed to take three pairs of panties, three pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, two bottoms and two tops and one pair of pajamas and a towel. No toys, nothing else at all. I looked around and it felt like I was in prison. At meal time we were lined up and marched to the cafeteria. We got a metal tray and food was slopped onto the tray and then we got a cup of flavored water and a milk. That first night dinner was mystery meat, mashed potatoes and string beans. We got a slice of bread and a cookie. Not the best but not the worst meal. I spent my entire time there frightened of all the other girls. I stayed by myself spending most of my time hiding under the blanket hoping the nightmare would end soon.
I stayed at the shelter for six and a half weeks then I was sent for and taken to an office. There a man who I'd seen a few times including the first night. I don't know what his job was but on the first day he said I could expect to live there until I turned 12 then I would be sent to a shelter for teens aged 13-17 and then when I turned 18 I would be released. Then I saw him a few times but he never talked to me. The only other thing he said to me that first night was "here is a list of rules, memorize and obey them." That was it. So here I was in his office and then another much older man came in and the first man told him to sit down. After some paper shuffling and consulting his computer he introduced me to the older man. It was my uncle. I didn't know I had an uncle. He explained that he had only just heard that his niece's husband, my dad, died, no mention of suicide, and he said he was my grandmother's brother. Some papers had to be signed and then I was taken to collect the few belongings I had and then I left with him.
Uncle Sam, yes that is his actual name, Samuel being his actual name but his nick name is Sam, was tall and lanky, late fifties, grey hair, wrinkles, muscular limbs with veins popping out. His face was weathered. You could tell just by looking at him that he did hard labor outdoors all his life. He had a rugged stern face but he could not quite hide the twinkle in his eye. He looked like he should smell as though he hadn't taken a bath in thirty years but he smelled like a cologne commercial. I felt safe when he took my hand.
First stop was home. My home or rather my old home. Uncle Sam took me inside and told me that we had a few hours to go through everything to determine what I wanted to take with me. He had a bunch of boxes in the car. I went to my room and picked out toys, my TV and computer and cell phone and computer games of course and my books and clothes and stuffed animals and the tea set my mom said was my grandmothers but uncle Sam said it was my great great grandmothers so it as very old. Uncle Sam got a bunch of stuff out of my father's bedroom and some stuff out of the garage and basement and attic and so on and we loaded up his car and had no room left afterwards except for Uncle Sam and me.
Next stop was at a restaurant. It was an Italian restaurant and he said I could order what I wanted to. Uncle Sam didn't smile much but he looked like he was trying not to and every once in a while a slight smile escaped it's shackles. I could tell he was a really nice person but I don't think he spent much time around kids. I ordered pizza of course but uncle Sam also ordered some other things I never heard of that he insisted I try. I'm glad he did because it was all delicious. We took desert home with us.
Next stop was Walmart. We picked up a few supplies, a new toothbrush for me and a bathing suit for me and some flip flops and towels and a cooler and beach furniture.
After a few more hours we stopped at a motel. We got one room to share. It had two queen size beds. That is when things got strange. Uncle Sam told me to sit down on my bed then he said he had to have a talk with me.
"I'm not a good man. I'm not a good person at all. In fact I am a terrible person, a monster really. You see, I never got married and never had kids because I shouldn't be around kids. Did your teachers ever warn you about really bad people who wanted to touch little girls in a bad way?"
I nodded a little scared.
"Well I'm that bad people they warn you about. You see, I like little girls, but not in a good way. I like to touch them in their private places and I can't help myself. I just love touching little girls really badly. I want to touch you. I want to stick my finger in your pussy. I want you to jerk me off. I want to fuck you and I want you to like it. I don't mean to scare you. I just want you to know what you are getting yourself into. If you live with me I'm going to sexually abuse you. I won't be able to help myself. You are just so gorgeous, so sexy. I'm sorry if I scared you but you have to know. The reason you never heard of me is because I'm a monster and nobody wants anything to do with me. So here's the deal. I'm going to give you a choice. Right now, I if you want, I will take you back to the shelter, we'll drive all night then I will take you there and tell them that I changed my mind. I will give you some clothes. I will keep your stuff for you when you get out and then you can have it when you turn 18. Or, you can stay the night and if you hate what I do to you then I can take you back tomorow. But if you either like what I do to you or at least you can ..(continue confession)
