F/16

my teachers, they always wanted to know why i was so quite. they usually put off on my smarts but two were concerned. i never knew why. I've always LOVED books and learning, and when i was younger i use to have the highest grades in the class and in my family. i use to think that i got depressed in middle school because of the transition and dealing with losing my best friend because i had known her since i was young and didnt know or want to make new friends. that with my home life, the fighting and substance abuse, it was just too much.

i never got an A till i was a sophomore in high school, i dont even consider it an A because her class was way too easy. i had c's and under really. i dropped out of high school in october of 2007 because they were going to keep me back again and because honestly, the school system here SUCKS.

but during high school i.. i opened up a little. i thought it was a lot but.. it wasn't. i just got loud. and i made some friends, through friends that i had had since like elementary. not close friends. not acquaintances. i started skipping school to be with my first and only boyfriend who in turn after over a year of dating me giving up my first kiss and virginity to him, cheated on me multiple times and had his mother break up with me. he even lied about his age. he was 19 when i was 14.

i lost all my friends, gained most back, and through all of this i pretty much gave up my studies. when i repeated my freshman year and my friend, a girl who while she wasn't so stupid she wasnt all that bright either, passed. i was pissed. i really was. i could have easily aced all my classes and my teachers knew it. they said that from the work i gave in they couldn't understand why i was doing so poorly. they were incredulous as to how and why someone who wrote A work after not being in class or not doing any work be doing just that. and when they asked me, i would shamefully shrug, head bowed slightly and say 'laziness i guess'

i think that deep down i knew the answer and i did question my self but every time i just told myself. 'as long as you pass and get out you'll be fine. thats all that matters'

i cannot believe how wrong i was.

after 5+ years of therapy, psychologist, social workers and dcf(department of children and families)workers, almost getting committed to an institute, tons of poetry, tons of journal entries, shit load of breakdowns, cutting myself for 4 years, being so shy, so quiet..

i have finally realized that i have wasted away my life trying to find out what is wrong when it was in plain sight.

In being a victim to abuse, emotional, mental and physical, i learned and taught myself, from an early age how to be, how to act, how to feel, how to react. everything became second nature(even now i am fighting to do things in the spontaneously) ive always known that there was something wrong with me. i couldn't put my finger on it.

when i started middle school, it was hard , yes that is true. when i lost my best friends, that hurt too. an when i went through my family woes i was blind-sighted. i literally spent middle school observing others. all the time. thats like 80% of what i did. what i never realized is that the real pain was from all the time i spent in my mind. something i did when i was at home in the midst of WWIII. it took me out of my books and educations and into a world all my own. that world owned me and still has a firm grip on me.

what im trying to say is that, i have lived in defense mode for my entire life. even when i learned to laugh, even when i learned to love. when i smiled wide and bright. even when it was genuine, it was always tainted by my inability to truly let go an just BREATH. to live. i've spent all my time in my mind, in books, and now my only way to live is too immerse myself in my education and into experiencing.

my confession is that i dont know how to move forward. and im even more afraid that i cant or wont. as a gemini i strive for change and i urge for it yes but i am so stuck in my ways that i am afraid of anything unfamiliar.

my confession is that i have an IQ of 127 and left school with a grade point average of 2.174

my confession is that i cant trust anyone because i cant trust myself

my confession is that i am afraid of living.

my confession is that i am afraid to take risks because i refuse to fail, but in not taking risks i have failed myself entirely

my confession is that in a month im gonna turn 17 and i hate that because that means my 'childhood' is nearly done. how am i suppose to fit 16 years into 1 when i haven't even let the starting gate?

my confession is that usually im more in depth that this and that i usually write better as well.