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My brother's black girlfriend Denobia is ruining my plans for my wedding. I couldn't not ask her to be a bridesmaid because my brother would have accused me of being prejudiced. So I asked her and now I am so sorry. I wanted all the bridesmaids to wear the same hairstyle: an upsweep with cascading curls in the back. Denobia has dreadlocks so I asked her to wear a wig styled this way. I even offered to purchase one. She says that it's an insult to her heritage.

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# 8844 - by Anonymous / February 24, 2004
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Comments

Anonymous

by Anonymous on Feb 24, 2004 at 6:54 AM

She's right. Since she's the only black woman in the wedding party, she's going to stand out. Having her wear a wig will just make her look silly, and you like a spoiled brat.
Everything will be fine: enjoy your day.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Feb 24, 2004 at 8:40 AM

It's your wedding. If you don't want her as a bridesmaid tell her so. If she get offended so what. That's her problem. Who cares if she's black. What, we need affirmative action for weddings now?!

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Feb 24, 2004 at 9:12 AM

just find a hairstyle that's different to the others, but not just dreadlocks. i can understand her not wanting to wear a wig, but just dreadlocks might be odd. compromise. afterall is this really something you're going to worry about on the big day? relax!

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Feb 24, 2004 at 3:21 PM

Why would dreadlocks be "odd"? First of all, millions of people have dreadlocks. Secondly, if that is how this young woman normally wears her hair, why would it look strange?

People who wear dreadlocks don't take the decision lightly. Locs take years to grow and require a lot of maintainence to be well-groomed.

Think of it this way. You wouldn't ask the sole blonde bridesmaid to dye her hair brown so that it matched. Or ask a heavy bridesmaid to drop 50 lbs so that she didn't stand out from the others who are size 4.

You are being insensitive.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Feb 24, 2004 at 11:19 PM

Well,

I'm a black woman and I have really small braids, and to be honest I think she should understand that she may need to adjust her hairstyle because afterall this is your wedding. With my hairstyle I can upsweep it etc....depending on how large her dreds are she may be able to upsweep them. Just a thought.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Feb 27, 2004 at 10:48 AM

Hmm, personally (since I'm in the business), I advise brides against cookie-cutter bridesmaid ensembles. The days when most brides choose to have their bridesmaids all dressed identically down to make-up and hair are over. It is always much more tasteful and attractive to have the bridesmaids dressed in complementary outfits. To this end, the majority of designers now offer a single bridesmaids' "dress" design in 4-5 styles. An example might be a fit and curvy bridesmaid in a sheath, a tall willowy one in a two piece, a petite bridesmaid in a third variation. All 3 are in the same color and fabric, but the cuts flatter their figures.

The same goes for hairstyles. Not everyone's face is flattered by the same hairstyle --no matter how lovely the hairstyle is. Earlier this summer, I had to disuade a very beautiful bride from getting hair extensions. Her delicate bone structure would have been completely overwhelmed by long hair. In the end, she followed my advise. Her tiara looked lovely on a pixie cut that fit her face.

The person who posted ahead of me suggested that your brother's girlfriend might be able to wear her dredlocks in a upsweep. This is true depending on the length. Thinner dreds can also be curled with a curling iron to produce ringlets.

I suspect that this young woman feels uncomfortable with the appearance of having straightened her hair. If she has short dredlocks, there are wigs available now in braided and dredlock styles. They are expensive, but attractive. She may be willing to wear one. It won't hurt for you to offer her an alternative that she feels is culturally sensitive.

Lastly, remember to consider her skin tone when you are choosing make-up. Most women of color do not look good with blue or green eyeshadow. Allow her to wear the tones that make her look her best. You would want someone to do the same for you.

Many brides believe that the wedding is "their" day and therefore, they have the right to tell everyone what to do, even if it makes someone look foolish or feel unattractive. I can't tell you how many friendships are ruined because young women are forced to spend $300 on a dress in a unflattering cut or color. Last summer, one bride insisted that her five bridesmaids all wear identical 2 inch heels, even though one bridesmaid (a WNBA star) was 6 foot one already. The poor girl looked ridiculous. It isn't worth it. Your brother may marry this girl. You don't want 40 years of tense Thanksgivings because you made her feel uncomfortable.

One piece of advise I have given brides for 20 years is: "When you look at your wedding album on your 25th anniversary, you won't care whether your friend wore the dress you loved or not. You'll care about the look on her face. And it won't be happy, if she thinks that she looks bad."

Good luck to you on your wedding day.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Feb 27, 2004 at 5:03 PM

I can relate to your friend's concern. I am half Nigerian and half English (white). My mother was a model so I know what looks good on black and mixed skin colours. Yet, I have been in at least seven weddings in the U.S. for which the bride selected colours that only looked good on fair complected white women. At one wedding, a Greek girl and I looked positively yellow in our bright aquamarine frocks. In contrast, most formal weddings in Britain are white weddings for which all bridesmaids wear white.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Mar 9, 2004 at 5:05 PM

Yes it is an insult!!!

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Mar 9, 2004 at 5:11 PM

to the operson that made this reply. I have one question? Are you married? if so are you happy?

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Aug 6, 2004 at 10:59 AM

why don't you both come to a compromise , maybe get her to style her dreadlocks by up sweeping orplaiting them into a ponytail

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