I used to be completely faithful. I wouldn't even so much as consider a sensual proposal from anyone other than my significant other before all that has happened. I suppose I have to preface it with---when I was 13, I was sexually abused by an older boyfriend. Intentional on his part or not, it was most certainly an awful situation that left me with a lot of emotional and mental issues. But, every relationship thereafter I was completely faithful. Even ridiculously so. Sexuality always scared me, however, and I never physical satisfaction from it, only the satisfaction of providing it to the person I loved. When I entered college, I started dating my now best friend. I started to enjoy sexuality physically as well as emotionally, and it was an extremely therapeutic experience. However, he has problems with sexuality as well. He finds sex to cause to a lot of emotional pressure and frequently rejected me. After a bit of a break up and subsequently loosely defined "open relationship", I find myself with three people considering me their lover---both besides the original best friend/boyfriend (who I never have sex with, ever) wishing me to be exclusive. I have been sexual with both of the others, but never allow myself to feel physical pleasure from it. Perhaps this is my way of justifying what I've done. You see, one of the boys (who all happen to have the same name) openly demands exclusivity, and I intended it to be that way---but recently my friend from childhood moved in with me and I've been touching him rather frequently---perhaps 4 or 5 times since he's been here (it's been 2 weeks). I know I should tell the boy who wishes to be exclusive, but I can't. I feel confused about everything, so I told the exclusive boy that we needed to just be friends. This still doesn't excuse not telling him what I've been up to. I just don't know what to do.

That was a long-winded, confusing rant.